I was born in a small city in the Pacific Northwest. I have a relatively large family, but none of us really keep in touch much. We’re disfunctional at best. This blog I’m creating is to tell about my life with the daily struggles included. The daily struggles that some may find unethical, or maybe just wrong, but honestly not one bit of me cares. It’s my life, not yours. Not like a single one of you will ever meet me in our lives anyway.
My parents divorced young. They hated each other afterwards. Classic case of dad leaving mom for another woman, and mom being bitter and angry for the rest of her life. It’s not like they had a shitty relationship, or either of my parents were raging alcoholics or drug addicts. My dad just “fell out of love”. Something he seemed to do a lot. Meeting someone that’s in a relationship already generally isn’t the best sign that you will have a successful relationship with them, but whatever. It happens. I spent the next 20 years hearing about how terrible my dad was, and dealing with a drug addict step mom. Probably one of the reasons my views on relationships have always been so skewed. But that’s for another time.
In no way will I sit here and pretend I had the worst childhood ever, or try to gain pitty from complete strangers on the internet. The glass is half full, and I intend to keep it that way.
My dad died a few years ago. Cancer took him, and surprisingly when shit got real, my (ex) step mom was nowhere to be found, and my mom was there on a daily basis taking care of him. She spent every single minute of her time that she could taking care of a man that completely shattered her heart and never looked back 20 years earlier. I remember the times she would question everything, “I don’t understand why when we had everything in the world together, that he would just leave like that.” Honestly I never did understand it until now. Not until I became an adult and I took people for granted myself. Really that’s all it was. When you’re missing something small that your partner consistently doesn’t give to you, and you find that tiny part in someone else, sometimes you’re completely blinded by just that tiny part, and you don’t realize the HUGE part your current partner gives to you until it’s too late. There’s a movie (Why did I get married?!) that refers to it as the 80/20 rule. The 80% you get from your partner, & the 20% that you’re missing. It makes sense. Even when you find your soulmate, there will be times when you don’t think they’re completely perfect. It’s just what you do with that. My dad left, and on his deathbed he expressed his regret and guilt he felt about it over the years. Why he never apologized years earlier and tried to make things right then will always be a question in my mind. I guess I know where I get my hard-headedness from.
The last 3 years of my mom’s life were spent with closure, and a glimps of happiness in her spirit. She passed last year. I try not to hold on to grudges and hatred for this exact reason. I try to forgive more and express my feelings when I’m hurt more often. I don’t want my life to consist of over two decades of bitterness, and only 3 short years of feeling relief. But the glass remains half full, and like I said, I intend to keep it that way.